Sensible

This blog is such a mess, seriously. It's kind of embarrassing, the 'journey' I've been on in this blog in the last year, with a new start every post. ARGH. Not to mention the fact that in a couple of months, I'll be turning 30, and well, I'm still fat.

I go between feeling like YES LET'S DO THIS and feeling utterly hopeless. I keep wondering when I'm going to commit to making a change that will actually stick more than a few days.

By the way, thank you for all your comments, I really appreciate the encouragement.

I think I need to get back the attitude that I had when I started this blog - to not try and lose a huge amount of weight for some upcoming deadline (in other words, I need to stop worrying about my graduation photo coming up in July). Yes, it's unlikely that I'll look dramatically different by then, so why spend weeks worrying and putting pressure on myself?

The attitude I had when I started this blog was to just calm down, take one day at a time and just eat healthier. If I did that, then change would happen without me having to force it. Somewhere along the line I lost the plot and started going between periods of pigging out, then feeling guilty, and then not eating much for a couple of weeks before the process would start again.

From now on I'm just going to try my best to make the right decisions. I need to remember to look after my body. Right now, the most important thing in my life is feeling better about myself - learning to actually love myself. My self-esteem issues have held me back from so much in life.

We're starting paleo today. M's persuaded me to do some gentle kettlebell exercises (I have to be careful though, because I tore something in my shoulder last time, and I'm not sure it'll ever heal properly). I already did a 20 minute pilates/cardio workout this morning, and it actually felt great. I always get up a few hours before M, so it's the perfect opportunity for me to try and include a bit of exercise. M's also desperate to get into yoga, and we have a very basic yoga DVD that we're going to try later.

As usual, we'll see how it goes. I really want to change. The only person stopping me is me, and so on... Let's see what Calming Manatee has to say:

Thanks, Manatee. You're the best.

1st June, another new start

It's the first of June, which obviously means another new start. I haven't bothered to weigh myself because the last week has been so horrendous that I know my weight will be up a lot. I'm estimating that I'm at least 195lbs right now (and I think that's a pretty kind estimation). Which is 7lbs than I was a month ago in my last post.

Excuses: This month was my final month at university, the workload was extremely heavy and it was a tough time. But of course I know that's just an excuse. If I was really committed to losing weight, I'd have found a way to stay strong. But somehow food always wins. It's such a gross addiction, I hate it. I HATE THIS.

So I'm frustrated. This blog was all about losing weight before I turn 30, which is in just under three months. On paper, that amount of time is still enough to make a big difference...

But the problem is, I just don't know what I'm doing. I've tried so many different things, and maybe the main problem is that I've never stuck at any of them for long enough to see results - but I just generally feel completely clueless about the best approach to take. The simplest approach for me is to count calories. It's the only way I can regulate how much I'm eating. I just need to be more hardcore and start taking this seriously.

Also, I have my graduation photos in a month and a half, which is putting pressure on myself to do something urgently. 

Basically, this isn't going to work. I just feel like I don't have a plan. Pretty much doomed to failure right here. I've got this little voice in my head, though, screaming "DO SOMETHING". I mean, nothing will ever change unless I am prepared to do the work. Anyway, I didn't want this post to be one of those "I'm back, LET'S DO THIS!!!!!!!!" posts, because I'm just not really feeling like that. I know the chances are, I'll post back here in a couple of months, and I'll still be the same weight. It's depressing knowing that. I just need to get my head in the right place. Maybe if I can have a week of eating right and exercising, I'll feel like maybe I can do this. But first I have to get through a whole week. And that means just getting through today first.

I feel like it's such a stupid struggle, and that if I were just mentally stronger, it would be easy to do this. Why can't I commit to making this change?

I'll try and post again soon.