Greed

The last twenty-four hours have been a complete disaster, and now I feel fearful of stepping on the scales on Monday morning. My brother passed his driving test yesterday, and to celebrate we all went to a fancy pub for dinner last night. My 49 weekly WW Propoints have all been used up - I finished using them up last night at the pub, in fact - and then today I most definitely went over my usual limit of 29 points. This is what I had today:

• Bacon, egg and cheese bagel and hash brown and a small bottle of orange juice at Mcdonalds
• Skinny latte at Starbucks (ha!)
• Haddock and chips at the John Lewis cafe
• Cream soda
• HUGE plate of taco salad for dinner (it was HUGE).

So, I'm guessing that came to over 29 points. Probably more like 60. Ugh. And I was so pleased with myself yesterday for managing not to go too overboard at the pub. I knew I'd used up my weekly bonus Propoints, but I knew that all I had to do was stick to 29 points today, tomorrow and Sunday, and I'd have successfully completed my first week. And I'd have felt like I was entitled to see some weight loss on Monday.

But now I don't feel like that at all. I feel like I've blown it, and that I'll be starting all over again on Monday, back to square one. I can't handle any more square ones.

What I feel guilty about is that I didn't even tell M that I'd had that the Mcdonalds and the massive lunch when I got home. I should've just come clean and said that I'd used up my 29 points for the day already, and could we have what we were planning to have for dinner tomorrow instead? But no, I was greedy. That's what disturbs me about all this, just how I am so obsessed with food. I didn't WANT to tell him I'd already eaten enough for the day, because then that would mean he'd know I'd had a really bad food day, and maybe he'd even suggest that I skip dinner altogether, or just have some fruit or something...

Anyway, all I can do now is hope that I can have two good food days before Monday's weigh in. Oh, except that my parents have invited us for a roast dinner on Sunday, and of course we've said yes. My parents always make a LOT of food, but at least they generally have everything set out on the table so you can help yourself. I'll just have to be strict with myself and not put a mountain of roast potatoes and three Yorkshire puddings on my plate like I normally would. Another test of my fragile willpower...

I ate a fly.

Yesterday, while running, I ate a fly. I ran right into one of those little clouds of tiny flies, and in it went. I've been desperate to include more protein in my diet lately, so I welcomed it and swallowed it down. Well, not really. But there was not much else I could do since it was lodged so far at the back of my throat and I failed to scrape it out with my finger (all of this while running, because I was determined NOT to stop).

So anyway, I managed to do 30 minutes of non-stop "running". Hooray! I feel grateful to my body for being able to do that, since I've done no running at all in the last four months. Good ol' body. I've been such an arse to you.

I'm meeting my mum and brother in an hour or so at a coffee shop, but I have already pre-calculated the Pro Points values of some of the things I could possibly be having there. A skimmed milk flat white is 2 points. A raspberry ripple cake is 13 points, as is a blueberry muffin. If I had either of the latter, it would be halved with my brother anyway, which is what we usually do - so only 6.5 points, really.

I tried to get my Mum in on this whole Pro Points thing, because she has quite a bit to lose and has had some success in the past with Slimming World, which has a similar points system. So I thought she'd be up for it - but apparently not. Didn't seem the slightest bit interested. I guess she's going to try and do it her own way, but I just thought this would be a good way to start. Hmm. Maybe once I start losing a bit she'll be more interested.

This morning I was dismayed to see that I was back up to my Fattest Weight Ever of 205.6lbs. I did go over my 29 points allowance by 12, but I told myself not to worry, because that would just come out of my 49 extra weekly points. And I know I've been doing loads of exercise in the last few days, so maybe that's got something to do with it, too? Anyway, I ended up going to the loo a little later on (apologies), and then I was down to 204.6lbs. Excellent. That's what I'm talkin' about.

I know I'm being really silly. Poo doesn't count. And I need to stop weighing myself every day because the panics just aren't worth it. I *know* that I can't gain several pounds of fat over a 24 hour period, but every time I step on the scales and there's a big gain from the day before, I feel like everything's falling apart and I just can't do this any more. But then again, when you get those sweet 3lb losses, aw yeah. It makes it all worthwhile.

Just kidding. It doesn't. So I'm thinking I'll wait until my proper weigh-in, which is on Monday, and hope for the best. A loss of 2 pounds is all I want. I've been psyching myself up about wanting to see 203.6 on the scales next Monday. Of course, the number doesn't really excite me because it's not even in 'onederland' (ie. my weight doesn't yet start with a 1), but I just have to remember that if I can just manage to lose 2lbs a week, it'll add up eventually. I'm going to just have to chip away at this, one week at a time.

One day at a time...

Written last night:

It's the end of my first day, and it has gone very well! I managed to force myself to do an hour long kettlebell workout for my arms, and I think they will totally beefy by tomorrow. Well, maybe not, but I've only been using the kettlebell regularly for the last three weeks, and already I can see and feel changes in my arms. Unfortunately, the amount of fat seems the same, but there's definitely something under all that fat. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, because it probably means my arms are getting even bigger because I'm gaining muscle - but hopefully at some point, I'll try and grab the usual handful of flab under my arms and it won't be there!

I couldn't have the usual protein shake after my workout because we've run out, so I decided to make a slice of low-calorie brown toast and dumped 100g of low fat cottage cheese onto it. (I thought that would be a decent amount of protein). I was determined to get my 100g onto that tiny square of toast, which was silly really because as I tried to eat it, the stuff was spilling all over my hands and in the end, I just had to stand there with the toast up to my mouth pouring the cottage cheese off the toast and into my mouth. Quite a sight! Also, it's pretty gross, that low fat cottage cheese. It's almost completely liquid, apart from small vomity chunks of cheese. But it's got lots of protein and hardly any fat, so I'm going to continue to keep pouring it into my face for now.

What I'm wondering is whether or not I should weigh myself tomorrow. Y'know, just to see how things are going. I'd love to be able to wait until next Monday and to avoid any potential mind-fuckery that comes with knowing what you weigh every single day, but I'm just not sure I can. Especially since today was such a good day...

Written the following morning:

I weighed myself, and I'm down 1.4lbs. I couldn't resist it. The important thing now is to remember that my weight may very well fluctuate during the week, and to remember that even if that's all I lost for the whole week, that would be perfect and I should be very happy with that. (Even though I'm secretly hoping for a good loss, since it's my first week and all, but shhh). I suppose it would have been nice to wait until next Monday, not having weighed myself at all during the week. If you have absolutely no idea how well you're doing, you'd probably want to keep doing things as perfectly as possible and not allow yourself any treats for fear of messing up the weekly weigh-in. The temptation is, when you weigh yourself every day, to think you can get away with naughty behaviour if you've had a good loss from the day before. That's the trap I normally fall into. But not this time!

So, I've managed to complete ONE day. I woke up this morning thinking, okay, where's my reward for  being so amazingly good yesterday? And then I felt deflated when I thought, there IS no reward. Certainly not today, young lady. You just have to keep doing this indefinitely. I mean, there is a reward in that hopefully, in the nearish future, I'll be out of the 200s and maybe some of my clothes will start to fit me again (even my fat clothes have been awfully uncomfortable lately). But as far as food goes, no treats, no nothing...

But I noticed that I only had 19 Pro Points yesterday, when my allowance is 29. Maybe that's why I'm so ravenous right now. I didn't deprive myself of points intentionally - we just don't have that much food in the house on account of being poor students (my hub and I are both mature students at university), and we don't have a car any more so we have to walk to buy food and well, we're not very organised when it comes to buying food. I think I need to figure out some snacky things to help use up those extra points. It'd be nice to have some raisins about, but when you're dieting, they're just about the most delicious thing and I usually end up eating the whole bag in one day...

I'm thinking about going for my first run since April tonight, after the sun goes down. That sounds quite dramatic. I just can't handle running in broad daylight because I am a sight to behold. And not in a good way. Better to go in almost darkness. Back in April, I was running 10k non-stop (well, I only did that a couple of times, but it still counts!) - but then I got frustrated with the whole running thing because in the six months I'd been running, I hadn't lost a single pound. Quite impressive, I think you'll agree. I must have just been eating so atrociously that running three times a week for six months made no difference whatsoever. I did get quite beefy legs, though - so it'll be interesting to see if the beef is still there tonight, because I'm going to attempt to run 5k with no stopping. I truly hope I still can.

The reason for this all this running talk is, I booked myself in for the local half-marathon earlier this year. It's at the end of November. I know there's pretty much NO way I'll be able to do it. It would take a miracle to be fit enough for that by then - but, I just want to see how tonight goes. I'll keep you posted...

Initial Weigh-In: Yet another diet blog!

In the past, I've made lots of these little diet blogs (about four in the last month, actually), and I've sat here for ages trying to think of a witty and amusing title. I didn't bother trying to do that this time, I just typed in the first thing the popped into my head. So, here we are with my latest attempt at starting a diet blog. 29 and Fat. Because I just turned 29 last week, and whaddya know, I'm fat. And the title just sort of defines who I am right now, as sad as that is to admit. This is not where I wanted to be at 29, but I'm determined to do something about my weight before it ruins my thirties just like it did my twenties.

Anyway, I've deleted all of those non-starter diet blogs including the blog which DEFINITELY was going to be a no-go for someone attempting to lose a lot of weight - it was called 'A Quest For Deliciousness' and I set it up about two weeks ago. It was going to be a food/restaurant review blog. *shakes head* I don't know what I was thinking.

I was kind of excited to weigh myself when I woke up this morning, even though I had pigged out to the max yesterday. Pigging out before the Day 1 of any diet that I start is always a nice excuse to just eat everything in sight, which is what I did. I went completely overboard. It's gross. I'm ashamed to write it in here, but I will anyway. Here goes:

• Slice of red velvet cheesecake
• Toasted cheese steak sandwich with fries
• Pepsi
• Cod and chips
• Sausage roll
• Bag of doritos
• Pack of fruit pastilles
• Slice of red velvet cheesecake

I think I outdid myself, there. The cheesecake was bought for my birthday, and it's quite large and has many slices. And there's only me and my husband here, so I guess I thought I'd try and help get rid of it by having two slices yesterday? Having said that, there are still about four slices left, but my husband will have to deal with that. I'm not touching it - but it's not because I'm feeling determined and strong-willed, I just don't fancy it because I've been eating it too much, that's all...

Anyway, I was excited when I woke up because I knew that today will be the most I will ever weigh. If I stick to the plan, and make this diet the one that actually changes everything, then never again will I weigh 205.6lbs and have a body fat percentage of 44.2%. It's all downhill from here (but in a good way).

I'm attempting to follow the Weight Watchers Pro Points plan. I'm not going to any meetings - but I know my allowance (29 Pro Points per day, plus the extra 49 for the week), and I have a handy app on my phone which will calculate the points value in any food when I enter the protein, carb and fat amounts - so I'm all good to go. I'm going to try and do 30-60 minutes on the cross-trainer downstairs in a few minutes, and then I'm doing a kettlebell workout tonight. Now I just need to actually get changed and, y'know, DO it.