Sensible

This blog is such a mess, seriously. It's kind of embarrassing, the 'journey' I've been on in this blog in the last year, with a new start every post. ARGH. Not to mention the fact that in a couple of months, I'll be turning 30, and well, I'm still fat.

I go between feeling like YES LET'S DO THIS and feeling utterly hopeless. I keep wondering when I'm going to commit to making a change that will actually stick more than a few days.

By the way, thank you for all your comments, I really appreciate the encouragement.

I think I need to get back the attitude that I had when I started this blog - to not try and lose a huge amount of weight for some upcoming deadline (in other words, I need to stop worrying about my graduation photo coming up in July). Yes, it's unlikely that I'll look dramatically different by then, so why spend weeks worrying and putting pressure on myself?

The attitude I had when I started this blog was to just calm down, take one day at a time and just eat healthier. If I did that, then change would happen without me having to force it. Somewhere along the line I lost the plot and started going between periods of pigging out, then feeling guilty, and then not eating much for a couple of weeks before the process would start again.

From now on I'm just going to try my best to make the right decisions. I need to remember to look after my body. Right now, the most important thing in my life is feeling better about myself - learning to actually love myself. My self-esteem issues have held me back from so much in life.

We're starting paleo today. M's persuaded me to do some gentle kettlebell exercises (I have to be careful though, because I tore something in my shoulder last time, and I'm not sure it'll ever heal properly). I already did a 20 minute pilates/cardio workout this morning, and it actually felt great. I always get up a few hours before M, so it's the perfect opportunity for me to try and include a bit of exercise. M's also desperate to get into yoga, and we have a very basic yoga DVD that we're going to try later.

As usual, we'll see how it goes. I really want to change. The only person stopping me is me, and so on... Let's see what Calming Manatee has to say:

Thanks, Manatee. You're the best.

1st June, another new start

It's the first of June, which obviously means another new start. I haven't bothered to weigh myself because the last week has been so horrendous that I know my weight will be up a lot. I'm estimating that I'm at least 195lbs right now (and I think that's a pretty kind estimation). Which is 7lbs than I was a month ago in my last post.

Excuses: This month was my final month at university, the workload was extremely heavy and it was a tough time. But of course I know that's just an excuse. If I was really committed to losing weight, I'd have found a way to stay strong. But somehow food always wins. It's such a gross addiction, I hate it. I HATE THIS.

So I'm frustrated. This blog was all about losing weight before I turn 30, which is in just under three months. On paper, that amount of time is still enough to make a big difference...

But the problem is, I just don't know what I'm doing. I've tried so many different things, and maybe the main problem is that I've never stuck at any of them for long enough to see results - but I just generally feel completely clueless about the best approach to take. The simplest approach for me is to count calories. It's the only way I can regulate how much I'm eating. I just need to be more hardcore and start taking this seriously.

Also, I have my graduation photos in a month and a half, which is putting pressure on myself to do something urgently. 

Basically, this isn't going to work. I just feel like I don't have a plan. Pretty much doomed to failure right here. I've got this little voice in my head, though, screaming "DO SOMETHING". I mean, nothing will ever change unless I am prepared to do the work. Anyway, I didn't want this post to be one of those "I'm back, LET'S DO THIS!!!!!!!!" posts, because I'm just not really feeling like that. I know the chances are, I'll post back here in a couple of months, and I'll still be the same weight. It's depressing knowing that. I just need to get my head in the right place. Maybe if I can have a week of eating right and exercising, I'll feel like maybe I can do this. But first I have to get through a whole week. And that means just getting through today first.

I feel like it's such a stupid struggle, and that if I were just mentally stronger, it would be easy to do this. Why can't I commit to making this change?

I'll try and post again soon.

April 30th

Long time no see!

I actually deleted this blog last week, but thought better of it today and was happy to see there was an 'Undelete Blog' option in Blogger. So, I'm back! I keep thinking I have to start a new blog every time I start over - when really, my weight loss journey began last August, when I started this blog at 205.6lbs.

As of today, I'm 188.1lbs, which is 17.5lbs down from my starting weight of 205.6lbs, which was 35 weeks ago exactly. That equates to a loss per week of 0.5lbs. If I'd just stuck to the plan and lost 2lbs a week, I'd be 135.6lbs now - pretty much my target weight. If I'd even just lost 1lb a week, I'd be 170.6lbs.

OH WELL.

I'm still less than when I started, and that's the main thing.

I've enjoyed looking at some of my early posts on here, including my Food Lists of Shame. I can't believe the stuff I used to eat. Not that I'm some healthy food goddess right now - I'm only just getting into the swing of things and it's a daily struggle to not pig out.

Anyway, the main thing I'm excited about is that as of today, I AM NOT OBESE! WOOHOO! I haven't been just 'overweight' since 2011, so I'm thrilled! Onwards!

January 22nd

Thanks for all the encouraging comments on my last post!

Today, I stepped on the scales and it said 189.8lbs.

I'M IN THE 180S!

Just barely. But it doesn't matter - I'm so thrilled about it. Total loss so far: 15.8lbs. It feels amazing to be in the 180s. According to the BMI calculator, if I lose another 1.4lbs, I'll be out of the obese range, and just merely overweight. YES.

My husband and I are going to Japan in April, and that is seriously motivating me to lose weight. I've been on so many holidays where I've been fat and this is going to be the trip of a lifetime for us, so I'd like to try and lose as much as I can, even though there isn't much time.

Anyway, I'm happy to have said goodbye to the 190s. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere... next up: the 170s!

January 1st.

Apologies for the sloppiness of this post. I just wanted to write here to say that I'm still alive, still 29 and fat, and that I'm determined to change my life this year. No more screwing around.

Okay. So before you all think I suck, a few days ago I was 191.6lbs. While that means I haven't exactly had a huge amount of success with losing weight since I started at the end of August, it still means that I've lost 14lbs in total. So that's where I was at a few days ago, right before Christmas.

Just weighed myself, and I'm 195.6lbs. I'm not particularly worried - I know that will drop back to what it was pretty quickly.

But yeah, not an amazing result, really. Certainly not worth having a blog about! Basically, I didn't try very hard. In the last few weeks I've had a really long, hard look at myself and I've finally started to deal with my underlying issues. Self esteem, self worth, confidence - all of that sort of thing. And my head is in a much better place now. I want to do this for me, because I deserve to have a healthy body. It's going to take a lot of effort, but aren't I worth it? It sort of saddens me to think of all my failed diet efforts before, because ultimately my failure meant that underneath it all, I didn't think I was worth the effort. At some point, I told myself "nah, I can't be bothered, just stay fat".

Anyway, we'll see how it goes this time. I don't want to sound all fired up and determined on here because well, I just need to DO it instead of writing a load of crap about it. I'm trying to do it properly this time, though. No more half-assed attempts. It's this or nothing. I'm 30 in August, and I have about 60lbs to lose (that will get me to 135lbs, which must be pretty close to my goal weight). I can totally do this.

My husband is in on this too - we're both going to go to the gym each week together, we're both going to be eating paleo (which kind of means eating a lot of protein from meat, and avoiding carbs unless they're from fruit or vegetables), and also sticking to a calorie limit. Hopefully if we support each other, we'll both get there in the end. I'm also going to do extra cardio a few times a week.

It sounds like a lot, but if I want to get this done, I have to stop being so lazy. I remember seeing so many forum threads on My Fitness Pal from people who started in January and actually stuck with it, and they had completely transformed themselves by the summer/autumn of that year. And I would just be sitting there looking at the photos, wishing I'd bothered to do the same.

Okay. That's all for now.