Week 11 Weigh-In Result!

I am so happy, fellow blog readers!

This week, I lost 4.8lbs!

!!!!!!!!!

After all those weeks of not losing any, or gaining a little bit - I have finally had a really good week. My current weight is 192.4lbs, and I've lost a total of 13.2lbs.

The really exciting thing is that if I have another good week, it means that I COULD ACTUALLY BE IN THE 180S by next Monday!

That would be so amazing. I feel like, I'm almost at the end of what I call 'Phase 1', which is getting out of the 200s and the 190s. It's like the introductory phase, that might not feel like proper, proper weight loss because I've spent such a long time in the 190s, going up and down.

But once I get into the 180s, things start to feel a bit different. Man, I'm just so high on this little wave of optimism right now. I've already had a good week of feeling good about myself, and I know there's just a lot more of that to come if I carry on. Things can only get better!

I've been spending a lot of time on the 'Success Stories' section of the My Fitness Pal forum, and it's made me realise that I've forgotten how to even imagine what I might look or feel like as a slim person. I used to think about it all the time, but I suppose I got so used to being my old weight and thinking that I was never going to escape it that I just stopped thinking about it. It's hard to believe that there is a thin person in here waiting to get out. I have no idea what she looks like, though.

I always stare at my face in the mirror and try to imagine what my face would look like if there wasn't so much chubbiness. Seriously, I have one of the chubbiest faces ever. I remember when I got down to 140lbs in 2004, I was getting happier with my body but my face still seemed quite chubby. Here's a photo of me taken in Paris for our first wedding anniversary when I was 21, I think I was about 143-147lbs in this photo (excuse the cheesy pose).

That set of photos from Paris is important because they're pretty much the only evidence I have of me being in the 140s. I think I got down to 138lbs, and then promptly started to just increase in weight over a period of many years until... you know - getting to 205.6lbs on August 27th, 2012. Anyway, that photo is how I know my goal weight is not in the 140s. I have a tiny wrist, maybe that means I have a small frame and I need to lose a little bit more because of that - who knows.

Look at me, getting all carried away with myself because I had one good week of weight loss. I suddenly remembered I'm still in the 190s and that sort of snapped me out of it - I have a seriously long way to go.

But still. 180s. That's something to be really excited about. Hope you all have a great week!

Week 10 Weigh-In Result and the 5:2 Diet

Well, I put on 0.6lbs last week, and as of Monday, I weighed 197.2lbs.

So basically, I've made no progress at all in the last five weeks. And to be honest, I haven't really been trying. I've still been logging my food on My Fitness Pal, but I haven't been careful about what I've been eating.

But, this week I started turning it around. I did a little mid-week weigh-in this morning, and I'm back to 195.4, so by Monday hopefully I'll be a little lower and back into Weight Loss Territory.

I know for the last few weeks I've been saying things like 'oh, I'm really determined now' and 'I'M IN HARDCORE WEIGHT LOSS MODE FROM NOW ON', but now I actually am. I started feeling really depressed earlier in the week - not the kind of depressed that makes me want to eat, but the sort that makes me desperate to start making some progress.

I've also started reading a book about emotional eating, and it's helping me to bear a few things in mind when I'm bored/tired/lonely/depressed - and I'm trying to hold back from eating during those times, when I know I'm not actually hungry.

Anyway, here's something I haven't talked about before. After the first couple of weeks of trying to lose weight through Being Sensible, I decided to switch to the 5:2 diet. Obviously, in the last 4-5 weeks I haven't been putting much effort in and I wouldn't say that I've been following the diet at all, hence the stall in weight loss. But in the first few weeks, it worked extremely well for me. If you haven't heard of it, it's a slightly easier version of the Alternate Day Fasting diet (which is when you fast every other day). With the 5:2 diet, you just fast two days a week, and have five 'normal' days, when you're supposed to be able to eat whatever you like - except I usually try to stick between 1500 and 1800 on those days, just as a rough guideline so I don't go completely crazy and eat all the foods.

I should mention that the fasting days aren't proper fasting days - I usually have about 500 calories on those days. For guys, you're supposed to have about 600 on those days. Anyway, for those weeks when I've been following the diet, I've been losing weight very comfortably. It's been more like a 6:1 diet for me - in other words, I've usually just been doing one fasting day, and six normal days - and I've still been losing 1.5-3lbs a week.

I know people might be quick to jump on what sounds like just another faddy diet - which I suppose it is, but I've found it quite easy to stick to - and most importantly, it's been WORKING for me - and so I'm going to keep doing it. For me, I find it easier to just have one slightly more painful day in the week where I don't get to eat much and to have all the other days as normal food days, than to have 7 more restrictive days of calorie counting. It's just something that I find easier to deal with, mentally.

So this week, I'm trying to get through the week doing two fasting days instead of one because I desperately want to see some progress after having spent the last month hovering between 195 and 198lbs. Today is a fasting day. I won't lie, these fasting days suck, but I never do the two fasting days in a row so at the end of a fasting day, at least I know there's always a normal day ahead.

Anyway, I'm not advising anyone to follow this diet - I'm just talking about my own experiences of it so far. And as long as it's helping me achieve my goals, I'm going to stick with it. I mean, I know that restricting calories will always work, however you do it - but I've struggled so long to find a way of doing it that actually works for me, so I'm going to keep going with it.

Of course, I have been slacking off in the last month or so, so what went wrong there? Well, I'm putting it down to my issues with emotional eating. I was stressed with work, so I ate. I'm working on cutting those ties right now. It's something I've never really paid attention to before, I've just accepted it as part of who I am. But I've started to realise that I really need to work on it so that maybe one day, I'll be able to function like a normal person and not have my mood dictate whether or not I pig out.

Well, this has been a long and rambly and not-very-coherent post. Hopefully I'll have a good result to report on Monday for my next weigh-in. I'm hoping to finally be below 195 - watch this space!

Week 9 Weigh-In Result!

I didn't quite manage to lose the 3lbs I put on last week, but I did lose 1.4lbs. So that's something. My weight is now 196.6lbs.

I know I said I was really determined to do well last week, but somehow things didn't go to plan. I'm blaming it on stress from coursework - I mean, I have been stressed out from coursework - but I know it's not really an excuse. I know lots of people with lots of stuff going on, but they're still managing to find the willpower to watch what they eat. I just keep asking myself, why am I so weak? Don't I want this? I think it's because in my brain, I keep going from one extreme to the other - being too harsh on myself and then rebelling against it because I'm so sick of telling myself NO all the time. So I end up saying yes quite a lot.

It's not a very good excuse. I just need to get my act together.

I've got a new strategy this week - I've already planned out all my food (and have made an allowance for alcohol at the Halloween party on Wednesday) and if I can stick to it this week, I think I should have a much better result on Monday and I'll be back on track. I'm mainly having stir-frys with turkey, lots of vegetables and brown rice for dinner this week. It probably doesn't sound great, but man, it's good. Really filling and satisfying.

I'm feeling good about this week, and I'm confident that I'll finally get below 195. I know at this point I'd usually do my Food List of Shame for last week - but it's just more of the same bad food choices. You know what I'm like (see previous posts). But this week, I'm really determined to stick to my food plan - no more sneaky trips to Subway or McDonalds.

I'm glad I've got a proper plan for this week, because for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling as though I've been losing control and spiralling back towards 200. I'm done with this mini-plateau (which isn't even a proper plateau because it's basically just down to me eating too much) - and I'm ready to start dropping the weight again. Yeah. I'll have a treat when I hit my 20lb goal of 185.6. 11lbs to go!

Week 8 Weigh-In Result!

Well, it was going to happen sooner or later - I had my first proper binging-and-pigging-out-and-not-caring-about-what-I-ate week.

As a result, I went from 195.0lbs last week to 198.0lbs this week! THREE POUNDS UP!

That's quite horrifying. But as horrible as it is, I know it'll be alright. I am NOT going back over 200. I've had my fun, I've had a nice few days telling myself not to care and to eat whatever I want - so now it's back to work. It's just part of the ups and downs of losing weight. It'll be alright.

So, time to go through my food diary for the latest Food List of Shame:

• Alcoholic beverages (which came to a total of 777 calories in one night - argh!)
• Cake
• One full English hangover breakfast
• 3 course meal at the Loch Fyne Fish Restaurant, also with several large pieces of bread and butter and mixed olives! (This was absolutely delicious though...)
• Half a large Domino's pizza
• Half a box of Domino's Chicken Kickers
• 6 inch Subway meatball marinara
• 1.5 pints of beer

Awful. As you can see from the list, I quite clearly did not give a crap about what I ate this week. Well, that's not strictly true - the first four days of the week went very well and I had everything under control. It was that hangover day that threw me off. I felt so awful that I just started not caring. So, in future, I'd like to avoid getting a hangover and just y'know, drink less the night before. It's not worth feeling that terrible the day after AND having it throw me off my diet completely.

Just to give you an idea how many calories I ate (I managed to track everything all week, even though sometimes I really didn't want to). My total amount of calories for the week was 14778, and the daily average was 2111. Now, some people would tell me that there's no way I should have gained three pounds from that, since 2111 is roughly my TDEE. If they're right, I shouldn't really have gained weight at all. So then what - are we just looking at a lot of food weight that is still in my system (I only ate the pizza about 10 hours ago...). Perhaps a lot of water retention from the increased sodium levels? It's all possible, I suppose. It's reassuring to think that maybe I haven't just gained three pounds of fat back, but I have no idea what's actually going on, really.

But anyway, I've been hovering around last week's weight far too long (195), and now I've just given myself more work to do to just get back to that weight. Not a happy thought. I knew last week was going downhill pretty quickly, but I'd hoped I would be able to maintain or just have a small gain. But anyway, I've had a gain and it's the first gain I've had since September 17th - so that's not too bad. Now for many more weeks of losses!

This week is going to be flawless. I wouldn't normally say that, but I'm really, really determined now!

Week 7 Weigh-In Result!

I lost 0.6lbs this week, bringing my total weight loss to 10.6lbs and my current weight to 195.0lbs.

Food list of shame for last week:

• Chocolate eclair
• Chicken tikka biryani, 1.5 poppadoms and half a peshwari naan (from the Indian restaurant down the road) - this was a LOT of food... and after everything else I had that day, my calorie total was probably about 3000 - argh!
• KFC Boneless banquet for one
• Lots of Haribo Tangfastics (had a massive container of them, but thankfully they're all gone now)

I think I need to start paying more attention to the amount of carbs, fat and protein I'm eating. Here's a little summary of my week's food, according to the extremely awesome My Fitness Pal app:

I really need to find a way of getting more protein into my diet without having to pay too much (meat is so expensive!). Low fat cottage cheese is a good option, but let's face it - there's only so much of that you can eat... If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! I can't afford to buy loads of meat, and eggs also have a lot of fat so I can't just gorge on those. Help!

I've also been using a little NHS app on my phone for tracking my BMI - here's where I'm at as of yesterday morning when I weighed myself:

OBESE! But I'm edging closer to the yellow. The lovely yellow. To get out of the obese section and into the plain ol' overweight section, I just need to lose 7lbs. That will be awesome. To get into the normal green section, I need to lose 38lbs. But still, just to be able to tell myself that I'm not officially obese any more will be wonderful! Just think, in a few weeks I could just be overweight!

Had a little non-scale victory a few days ago. There's a friend's birthday party coming up, and after traipsing around the city centre for many hours and not finding anything, I ended up ordering this dress online from New Look:

I looked at the size chart, and eventually decided to risk it and order a size 16. I instantly regretted it - why oh why hadn't I just gone for a size 18? I was going to have to send it back and it would be a pain in the arse and I'd have to find something else with not much time left - but IT ACTUALLY FITS! Usually when I try stuff on from New Look, their size 16s never fit me - I guess it just shows that I'm starting to shrink a little bit. YES.

Week 6 Weigh-In Result!

This is quite exciting. I lost 2.4lbs this week, which brings my total loss since the 27th August to:

TEN POUNDS!

Ten whole pounds! YES. I've gone from 205.6 to 195.6 in 6 weeks. WOOHOO! 200 is still lurking close by, though - it feels like it's only ever one pig-out away from being back there. I don't think I'll ever really feel safe from slipping back into the 200s until I lose another 10, but it's enough for me right now that I've managed to stay in onderland for the last three weeks. That's awesome.

I haven't been this weight since March. If I carry on like this, then in the next few weeks I'll be at weights I haven't been at for over a year - which is so exciting. I can't believe that something I'm doing is finally working and that I'm losing weight. I had begun to lose hope that I could even do it, since my body had become so successful at maintaining my weight for years in the 190s without me even doing anything.

I'm not really sure if the weight loss is visible, yet. My clothes don't feel too different - maybe my jeans are a little bit looser. I'm looking forward to my next goal, which will be to lose another 10lbs (185.6lbs). Hopefully by then, there'll be a visible change. I remember weighing 185 last spring, before we went to Florida - and being so happy because I was definitely smaller. I was wearing things I haven't dreamed of trying to put on since then, and I felt so much better about myself. It's really exciting to know that that's ahead of me.

It was my ninth wedding anniversary on Wednesday night, so M and I went out for a super fancy meal. So, I've got quite a bit to put on this week's Food List of Shame:

• Chocolate chip brioche bun thing
• McDonald's big mac meal with medium fries
• Caramel macchiato
• Starbucks blueberry muffin
• Way too many tangfastics (sweets/candy)
• Fish and chips
• 3 course fancy meal, ending with peanut butter cheesecake and caramelised bananas
• Glass of wine and a half a pint of beer
• Wagamama: chicken raisukaree and ebi gyoza (omg, so good)
• Sausage and chips
• Another big mac

That's a pretty impressive list. You're probably wondering how I managed to eat all that and still lose weight - well, I was still within my calorie goal. So basically we're talking about bad food choices, which is something I definitely need to work on. M and I are trying to cut down on spending, so we're going to try and spend less when we're out and about, and just eat at home. I quite like the healthy stuff we eat at home, anyway - we make really good stir-frys and salads, and I like making homemade tomato sauce and having that with pasta or gnocchi or whatever. It's good.

This week we're also going to hopefully start going to the gym at the university, twice a week. I have to be honest here - I didn't do a kettlebell workout at all last week and well, I think I'm getting a little bit bored with it. So it'll be nice to be able to use some new weights or machines or whatever it is I'm going to be doing. And M will be with me, I think it'll be really nice to do our workouts together. I think I'd feel a bit daunted going to the gym on my own.

Anyway, I've got to go - but to summarise: things are really good right now. :D

Week 5 Weigh-In Result!

I lost 1.4lbs this week! My current weight is 198.2lbs, and my total loss so far is 7.4lbs.

I'm quite late in writing this update, because my Week 6 weigh-in is tomorrow!

Things are going really well. I did a pre-weigh-in weigh-in this morning, and things are looking good for tomorrow! If I'm lucky, I might even be at my first milestone of a loss of 10lbs. That would be amazing, especially considering the Food List of Shame for this week, which I'll put in tomorrow's post. It's quite a long list...

Week 4 Weigh-In Result!

Written last night:

I lost 3.2lbs this week! My current weight is 199.6lbs.

That means I'm in ONEDERLAND. I've had so many nice comments on MFP today. I almost feel a little bit guilty, because maybe some of them don't realise I've only lost 6lbs and so I was never very far off from being in Onederland. But hey, it's a milestone, and I'll take it!

So, in the last four weeks, I've lost 6lbs in total. That's awesome. Granted, over half of my month's loss was in the last week, but I don't want to start analysing things too much. It's 6lbs gone, and I'm really happy.

I was planning on sticking to 1700 calories a day last week, but it ended up being more like 1500. Maybe that's too low - I have no idea. But I felt comfortable eating that amount of calories and it gave a good result, so I'll try it again this week. If I can stay under 200 for next week's weigh-in, I'll be really pleased with how things are going - I don't mind if I don't lose as much. I just want to stay in Onederland.

I don't really have a Food List of Shame to share with you from last week, because really, I did pretty damn well. I did have fish and chips once - but that's about it. Pretty good, eh?

In light of my momentous victory on the scales today, I've been thinking about a certain dress I bought back in June. I'm desperate to wear it, but it's a couple of sizes too small. Last time I attempted to try it on, I could barely get it on. I had to hold off trying it on tonight, because I know that it wouldn't fit yet. But it's an exciting thought - perhaps in a couple of months it will fit. I also tried on some skinny jeans today, but unfortunately I looked like a massive potato with two diddly little legs poking out the bottom. I try to be kind to myself when I'm trying on things, but really - I'm still just way too hefty for skinny jeans. Way too much belly, that's the problem.

Written this morning:

So, I decided to try on a few things today, including the dress I just mentioned, and I think you could just about say that I had a couple of NSVs. (Non Scale Victories, just in case you were wondering!). Here it is, when not filled to capacity by me:

It's got little foxes with bushy tails on it, or something. They're really cute.

Anyway, I decided to take some photos of me wearing it at my current weight (which was 199.6, as of yesterday), for future reference. Last time I tried this on, I could barely get it to cover my legs because the fabric was so tight around my body. This time, it felt more comfortable wearing it, although the fabric was still pretty tight around my belly and obviously I won't be wearing it in public any time soon. But I could get it on with much less effort than last time!

Notice how when it's hanging up on the door, the fabric looks all nice and loose and flowy. And on me, it's pretty much pulled right all the way round me. Aw man. I still have a long way to go. BUT AS LEAST I COULD GET IT ON!

Secondly, I tried on another dress of mine. It's supposed to be the same size as the one above (UK 16), but it's actually much bigger. I've worn this one out in public before, but always with a black cardigan on top because I'm embarrassed of my arms. But I was pleasantly surprised when I tried this dress on, I can definitely see a change from when I last wore it, back in May/June.

Two things I've always been self-conscious about:

1. My Diagonal. This is the diagonal line of my side profile that goes from my chin to my body, bypassing any evidence of a neck. (See photos number 3 and 5...) Unfortunately, from experience, I know that this is one of the last things to go when I lose weight. I won't be expecting to be rid of it until I'm about 140-150lbs, at least...

2. My arms and shoulders. BUT: when I tried on both dresses today, I immediately noticed that my shoulders looked a tiny bit more angular, and my arms looked less flabby. Now, I slacked off on exercise all last week (no exercise at all, to be precise), but seeing the change has really motivated me to get back into it. Kettlebell workout tonight it is! It is so, so worth it. M and I are planning on signing up for the gym, and I really want to start going as soon as possible so I can start pushing myself harder.

Anyway, after trying it on today, I think I'd actually consider wearing the second dress out with no cardigan. It's a bit of a bold step for me, because I know my arms are still pretty big (especially when they're just down by my side). I wish I could just walk about with my hands on my hips all night, but I think it would be a bit weird...

Here's a photo from Center Parcs a couple of weeks ago. This was the Treetop assault course thing - not sure if I mentioned it before. Anyway, here's me, mid-swing, looking all awesome.

I look like I'm going to make it, but actually my left leg failed to land on the platform, then my right leg just about made it but my left was dangling and while trying to get my left leg up, I whacked it HARD on the edge of the platform and got a massive bruise! Ah, good times. The rest of it was really fun, though. :D

Week 3 Weigh-In Result!

*drumroll*

I gained 0.4lbs this week. So, my current weight is now 202.8lbs.

But I'm still in the 202s, so that's great! I knew I would have a gain, because I ate so much last week - and I'm glad it was just a small gain. I'm feeling really focused and determined to have a really good week.

Now I know what my ideal calorie intake should be for weight loss (about 1700-1800 for me), I feel much more relaxed about things. Everything's much clearer in my mind now. Before, I had no real idea of how many calories I should actually be eating. I'd always had 1200 on the brain, thinking that it was a nice sensible number because obviously anything below that was too drastic. But now 1200 can just go to hell. I don't want you, 1200!

Of course, I realise that next week I could be writing my next weigh-in post, being super-whiny and feeling really miserable because my magical plan hasn't worked at all and it was stupid of me to think I could lose weight on 1700 a day because that's obviously just an enormous amount of calories. But I hope that won't be the case...

So this week, I'm going to stick to that limit every day, and do about 30 minutes of exercise every day (3 kettlebell workouts, and the other 4 days will just be on the cross-trainer). Hopefully I'll see some results that will take me ever closer to Onederland. Well, I'm pretty much almost there, I'm only a couple of pounds away from it. But I never thought I would struggle this much just to lose 5 pesky pounds to get back under 200, after floating about in the 190s so effortlessly for the last 3 years. Ah well!

Anyway, now I know what the damage is from last week, I can reveal last week's Food List of Shame:

• Tarte tatin
• Too many beers
• Slice of cheesecake and a caramel cream frappuccino from Starbucks
• Half portion of Philly cheese steak with fries (I thought I was being so good at this point, only ordering a half portion!)
• A full portion of Philly cheese steak and fries the following night
• A plate of nachos with everything on it (chili, sour cream, cheese, salsa, guacamole)
• A full English breakfast (called 'The Ultimate English Breakfast'...)
• Burger and fries
• Burger and fries
• Big plate of pasta
• Ice cream, sweets
• McDonalds sausage and egg McMuffin with two hash browns

Wow. I think you'll agree that I outdid myself, there. All that, in five days! I can't believe I only gained 0.4lbs. I was pretty active all week, and it seems to have made the difference. I wonder how much I'd have weighed today if I had done nothing all week instead?

I'm feeling so much happier than I did on Friday night at the end of my week-long binge. And, even though my third weigh-in has been a gain in weight, I feel so good because my head's in the right place and I'm back on track.

I've also started weighing my food. I never thought I'd be one of those people, because it seemed a bit extreme - but I love doing it and knowing exactly how much I've eaten because it makes my food diary on MFP super-accurate. It's been helping me have little revelations, such as "OMG, 40g of cereal is NOTHING!", and so on. That's the standard serving size, according to the size of my cereal box. And it's about a quarter of a bowl. My bowl isn't even that big. My parents have ENORMOUS cereal bowls. If you filled one of those up, you'd probably be looking at 800 calories of cereal! 

Anyway, time to go and waste some more time on MFP. I'm addicted...

Number Crunching

Feeling a little bit down tonight, because I know that tomorrow's weigh-in will be a gain. I'm so tired of my non-existent progress. I feel like a bit of an impostor, like I'm masquerading as some sort of weight-loss person, except I haven't really lost any weight yet. I was on my way to making some progress, but a few days of careless eating has probably ruined everything.

I really don't feel like exercising. I haven't done a kettlebell workout since Tuesday, so I really should do one tonight. Blah.

In other news, I'm experimenting by trying out a new calorie intake of 1700 per day. 1700, I hear you say? Hear me out! I should warn you that I get a bit number-crunchy here, and I don't want to be one of those people who overcomplicates weight-loss because I know that fundamentally, I just need to "eat less and move more", which is what everyone says. But I've realised lately just how little I know about How Things Actually Work, and so I just want to share what I think I've figured out. I'll keep number-crunching to a minimum in future posts, I promise!

***

I've been doing a lot of reading on My Fitness Pal lately, and using this BMR calculator, I found out that according to my body fat percentage, height and weight, my BMR is 1499 calories. (Your BMR or basal metabolic rate is the base number of calories you need to function at rest). The idea is that you shouldn't eat less than your BMR, because then you would be using up lean mass instead of burning fat. And I like my lean mass a lot more than I like my fat, so I'd like to hang on to it!

Anyway, using my BMR, the calculator thing then churned out a little table (see below), estimating the number of calories I would burn in a day, depending on how active I am. That number is also known as your TDEE, or Total Daily Energy Expenditure.

Activity Level	Daily Calories
Sedentary (little or no exercise, desk job)	1728
Lightly Active (light exercise/sports 1-3 days/wk)	1980
Moderately Active (moderate exercise/sports 3-5 days/wk)	2232
Very Active (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days/wk)	2484
Extremely Active (hard daily exercise/sports & physical job or 2X day training, i.e marathon, contest etc.)	2736

Now, according to that dude's post My Fitness Pal (the link is above), you just need to pick which activity level is the most like you, and eat about 20% fewer calories the daily calories for that activity level.

For me, I'd say I'm moderately active, so apparently I burn about 2232 calories per day. So if I want to lose fat, I should eat 20% fewer calories than 2232, which is about 1785, but I'm calling it 1700. 1700 is a good number for me, because it's between my BMR and my TDEE, which means I should be losing fat.

Reading all this stuff was quite the revelation for me. I never EVER thought it'd be possible to lose weight on that many calories per day. If my BMR really is 1499ish, it that would explain why it's always been hard for me to lose weight when I've restricted my calories to 800-1200. Oh, it can be done, if you can endure that amount of suffering - but it's very difficult and you're much more likely to fail. 1700? That should be easy! Of course, at the back of my mind I'm thinking that 1700 sounds too good to true - but I really want to try this and truly hope that I'm not wasting another couple of weeks trying this out. I couldn't bear to waste even more time than I already have.

Anyway, as a result of all this, I'm putting Pro Points on hold for now. The food tracker on My Fitness Pal is so good, that I want to give this whole calorie-counting thing a try, now I'm armed with a bit more knowledge (it took me all day yesterday to figure this stuff out). Also, it means I can let my MFP friends see what I've been eating, which will make me want to stay on track even more.

So, I'll try 1700 for a couple of weeks, and I'll see how it goes. I might need to adjust it, but hopefully, I'll find out how to make this whole weight loss thing actually work for me.

Okay. I just browsed my weight loss blogs and saw Skinny Emmie's latest gym video. No more being lazy tonight - I'm going to do that kettlebell workout right now.

Week 2 Weigh-In Result!

I think I've ruined 2 weeks of progress in 5 days of pigging out.

But I'll get to that in a bit. Firstly, I need to update you all with last Monday's weigh-in:

I lost 1lb this week! My current weight is 202.4lbs.

At least, that's what I weighed on the 10th. I didn't get a chance to update my blog because I went off to Center Parcs with M, my parents and my brother, and only got back yesterday. (For those of you not in the UK, Center Parcs is a holiday village type thing in a forest setting where you can cycle about and do various outdoor activities). You'd think on paper that sounds like an excellent opportunity to get some exercise in, right? The thing is, they also have a lot of restaurants. And my family - they like to eat. A LOT. I know I can't blame them for letting my eating plan go out the window, as much as I want to. But go out the window is exactly what it did.

I have to give myself credit for doing well in the first day and a half. The first day, I was mindful of what I ate, and didn't particularly make any bad choices. Nothing too bad. The second day, I woke up and did a kettlebell workout followed by a protein shake and some raisin bran. Sounds good, right? I was feeling proud of myself at that point. And then that's when it all went to crap. From Tuesday lunchtime to Friday evening (last night), I ate. A lot. Yesterday was probably the worst day for me, because I realised what I'd got myself in to, and kept on eating because I knew that today would be a new start and I might as well just pig out for the rest of the day.

And so, to assess the damage of the last five days, I stepped on the scales this morning and it said 205.4lbs. Back to square one, you might say. The thought of having undone all my hard work over the last couple of weeks is not a good one. I wish I could remember that when I'm considering eating something I shouldn't. My greed appalls me - it overcomes any rational thought that comes my way.

But anyway, I'm not as distraught about my weight this morning as I would have been in the past. For a start, I know I'm not back at square one. Nope. I still have my blog here. It clearly says that my starting date was on August 27th! I can't just delete this and start over (though that's what I've done in the past, several times!). I'm sticking with this. For better or worse, I'm doing my Week 3 weigh-in on Monday. If I'm up, then I'm up. No more starting over.

Putting aside my weight issues for a moment, I had a great time at Center Parcs. M and I took full advantage of all the activities and we did kayaking, cycling, swimming, archery, rowing, mini golf and segway racing. We also did a treetop assault course kind of thing, which was really high up in the trees and you had to wear a harness thing which was attached to a safety line which followed the route of the course. And at the end, we went on a zipline through the trees which went at 35mph! I'd never done anything like that before. It was really fun. I was anxious about doing it, because I'm fat, but I checked that I was under the maximum weight limit, and I was, so I decided to give it a go. Actually, I think I was more anxious because I thought that the instructor might mention my weight, or the people doing the same activity might look at me and wonder what I was doing there. The reality was that the instructor was lovely, and that there were only a couple of other people doing the course at the same time as us, so it was an ideal situation. I had such a fun time. I have some photos somewhere, perhaps I'll post a couple soon.

I did a beginners archery lesson, which was really fun. M, my dad and my brother did it too - and we all really enjoyed it. I definitely want to join the archery club when I go back to uni, as does M. It'd be nice to have a shared hobby that gets us out of the house. I don't know about M, but I felt quite deflated when I got back home. We pretty much just sat around all day watching tv, because there was nothing else to do. I want that to change. I want to be involved in things that require me to get out of the house and do things, and be around people. That's another big reason for wanting to lose weight and get fit. I want to be an outdoors person. I hate, hate spending so much time indoors sitting there, watching awful tv. I want to be active and fit and enjoy life. I want to stop being a spectator.

I want my parents to see me as a fit person. This really frustrates me, but my parents - particularly my mother - seems to think that I'm just like her, in that I'm overweight, weak-willed and powerless to change my ways. I love her, but she is most definitely a spectator of life. She constantly complains about her weight holding her back, but never makes any effort to change things. She made a couple of comments this week and I just wanted to scream, "I'm not in the same category as you!" I actually WANT to do something about my weight and fitness. I'm TRYING. I feel disappointed in myself that I ended up pigging out this week, because it showed her that I'm still weak around food.

It's hugely motivating to imagine myself being fit and slim and having my parents finally realise that I'm not in the 'fat person' category any more. I'm not like them. I wish I could have used that thought to stop me from over-eating this week. But I also know that I'm a food addict and that as much as I need to have willpower, I need to make things as easy as possible for myself by not being surrounded by temptation.

As a result of this week, I've decided to get serious. Really serious. This is what it's going to take for me to lose weight. I can't do anything with a half-arsed attitude any more, because it's too dangerous. I have to try and fully commit to a new healthy lifestyle, or I'll always just slip back into my old ways. I joined My Fitness Pal a couple of weeks ago, and the amount of support I've received on there has been amazing. And these people inspire me to work harder, because they definitely all seem to be putting more effort in than I have been. I haven't been posting my food diary on there because MFP is all very calorie-based, but I think I might count calories in addition to Pro Points. And I want to start using my Magical Spreadsheet again - it calculates my daily protein, carb and fat percentages. I want to start paying attention to the type of food I'm eating and aim for a daily intake of 40% protein, 30% carbs and 30% fat. I'll continue to do my kettlebell workouts three times a week, but I want to add in a daily cardio workout. I'd love to get back into running, but it just doesn't feel good at my weight, so for now I'll just use the cross-trainer.

This has been a huge post, so I'll end it here. The bottom line is that I screwed up this week, big-time. But I'm hanging in there and I'm not starting over!

Week 1 Weigh-In Result!

This morning, with a combination of trepidation and giddy excitement, I got on the scales.

I lost 2.2lbs this week! My current weight is now 203.4lbs.

I can't tell you how pleased I am, especially considering that I ate quite a few things I shouldn't have last week. I was supposed to have 49 extra points to spend if and when needed, but I ended up spending about 80 instead. 31 points over budget! So I feel like it's some sort of miracle that I lost weight at all, and that I lost more than I was expecting to.

*beaming*

I'm going to definitely try harder this week. Maybe I could have an even better result! But don't worry, I'm still just hoping for a 2lb loss. If I can keep this up, I'll be in Onederland in a couple of weeks. Lovely Onederland. Land of the free.

Losing those 2.2lbs is a huge deal, because I did 5 workouts this week. And I've never been able to lose weight sensibly while exercising, probably because this is what I always do:

• Get really motivated about getting fit and doing exercise to lose weight
• Bust my ass all week doing INSANE amounts of exercise, telling myself it'll all be worth it when I weigh myself the following week
• Either eat way too few calories, telling myself I need to start being hardcore OR eat too many calories, telling myself the exercise will compensate for it
• Step on scales the following week and see either no loss or a gain
• Feel crappy that I put in all that effort with exercising
• Decide that Exercise Doesn't Work
• Give up and get depressed, and allow myself to pig out for all my hard work

I've been through that cycle so many times but never again!

I'm feeling really good about this week. I've got a whole week's worth of points laid out before me, ready for the eating! Let's hope that the choices I make are more sensible than last week. Here's my Food List of Shame for last week:

• Half a cupcake (which had SIX points, just for a tiny half!)
• Caramel macchiato (with whole milk, naughty)
• Fish and chips
• Sticky toffee pudding
• 3 cans of cream soda
• Bacon, egg and cheese bagel with hash brown at McDonalds
• Fish and chips AGAIN

Looking at that list, it's amazing that I lost weight at all. I think I'll post a list like that every week to remind myself NOT to eat those things.

Anyway, well done, Me. Well done indeed. I'm not at square one any more. 

More tangerines, please

It's the evening before my first weigh-in. I was worried I would pig out today when I went to my parents' place for dinner, but I think I did well. We'll see. All I want is a tiny 2lb loss. Please.

The day started out with the usual low fat cottage cheese with chives on sesame Ryvitas, with an apple (cored because I LOVE cored apples. I've always hated gnawing on apple cores. Ain't nobody got time for that!)

Then at around 4pm, we had dinner. Dad made pot-roasted brisket in beer with parsnips and mushrooms. And it was delicious. Really good. I had to hold myself back from putting too much on my plate, and I think I succeeded. I should mention that the plate is enormous (as most plates are at my parents' house), but still - check out all that empty space!

Most of what I put on my plate was beef, carrots, cauliflower (okay, not much of that) and parsnips. I had a couple of mini Yorkshire puddings and a few tiny potatoes. Then, I dished myself up a really small bowl of apple crumble with a tiny amount of ice cream. After all that, I felt reasonably full, but I wasn't dying like I usually would be. Woohoo!

Starting to get nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in. I just need to stop attaching so much importance to the outcome. If it's a bad result, I guess I could easily just do what I would normally do, and tell myself, "Well, that didn't work. You've had a hard week. Here's a massive bag of tangy cheese Doritos for your efforts." But I'm determined to break away from that sort of behaviour. If I don't get the result I'm hoping for tomorrow, I'll just have to stay calm and remind myself of all the things that went wrong this week, and try harder this week.

Anyway, I did have a non-scale victory of sorts today. M hugged me today and said he thought I felt smaller. Trust me, that's not the sort of thing he says often! Given that I'm at my highest ever weight, it was hard to take him seriously. But you know how one grapefruit of fat is the same as one tangerine of muscle? Maybe I'm finally turning grapefruits into tangerines! I have been doing kettlebell workouts for over three weeks, after all. So I'm pretty pleased about that comment, I have to say. And he said my arms were definitely different. YES. Progress. These are the sort of things I'll need to remember tomorrow if my weigh-in is a disaster...

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Protein shake at midnight

Oh my. 'Scuse me. Protein shake burp.

Yes, it's just gone midnight and I only just had my protein shake. I spent the whole day dreading doing my kettlebell workout, and then wondering if I would do it at all. It was only when M, who is becoming increasingly beefy, started preparing to do his kettlebell workout about an hour ago that I knew I had to do it. You know you have to try and step it up a bit when your husband only weighs about 7lbs more than you, and you know the gap is closing all the time...

Here's my kettlebell. It's only 8kg, which I'm starting to find a little too easy for my arms. M's kettlebell is 18kg, I think - so there's not much chance of me upgrading to that any time soon.

Anyway, I'm pleased to say that today has gone very well. I finally managed to get through a day sticking to my points allowance! I've realised just how difficult it is to keep to 29 points when you don't make good food choices. Yesterday's breakfast at McDonalds was probably about 15 points. Just for breakfast, which was barely any food! But today was much more tolerable. For dinner tonight, we had the most enormous plate of stirfry with brown rice, turkey and lots of vegetables, and I don't think it could have been more than 12 or 13 points. Pretty, pretty good. We've been eating stirfry a lot recently. M is absolutely sick of it, but to me, it's absolutely delicious. It's so nice to know that just for once, I am eating something for dinner that is actually properly healthy. There's no doubt about it. And it tastes really good. I'm sure I'll get sick of it eventually, but for now, I'm really happy with our dinners. I get the feeling I'm going to have to learn how to cook it all on my own soon (usually we make dinner together, but M does the actual... cooking), because I don't think he can take many more turkey stirfrys!

Tomorrow there's the challenge of surviving a Sunday dinner at my parents' place. Mother has also informed me that there will be homemade apple crumble with Cornish clotted ice cream for dessert. Little does she know that I will insist upon dishing my own bowl up, so there's no way she can dump a quarter of the entire thing in there, like she normally would...

Greed

The last twenty-four hours have been a complete disaster, and now I feel fearful of stepping on the scales on Monday morning. My brother passed his driving test yesterday, and to celebrate we all went to a fancy pub for dinner last night. My 49 weekly WW Propoints have all been used up - I finished using them up last night at the pub, in fact - and then today I most definitely went over my usual limit of 29 points. This is what I had today:

• Bacon, egg and cheese bagel and hash brown and a small bottle of orange juice at Mcdonalds
• Skinny latte at Starbucks (ha!)
• Haddock and chips at the John Lewis cafe
• Cream soda
• HUGE plate of taco salad for dinner (it was HUGE).

So, I'm guessing that came to over 29 points. Probably more like 60. Ugh. And I was so pleased with myself yesterday for managing not to go too overboard at the pub. I knew I'd used up my weekly bonus Propoints, but I knew that all I had to do was stick to 29 points today, tomorrow and Sunday, and I'd have successfully completed my first week. And I'd have felt like I was entitled to see some weight loss on Monday.

But now I don't feel like that at all. I feel like I've blown it, and that I'll be starting all over again on Monday, back to square one. I can't handle any more square ones.

What I feel guilty about is that I didn't even tell M that I'd had that the Mcdonalds and the massive lunch when I got home. I should've just come clean and said that I'd used up my 29 points for the day already, and could we have what we were planning to have for dinner tomorrow instead? But no, I was greedy. That's what disturbs me about all this, just how I am so obsessed with food. I didn't WANT to tell him I'd already eaten enough for the day, because then that would mean he'd know I'd had a really bad food day, and maybe he'd even suggest that I skip dinner altogether, or just have some fruit or something...

Anyway, all I can do now is hope that I can have two good food days before Monday's weigh in. Oh, except that my parents have invited us for a roast dinner on Sunday, and of course we've said yes. My parents always make a LOT of food, but at least they generally have everything set out on the table so you can help yourself. I'll just have to be strict with myself and not put a mountain of roast potatoes and three Yorkshire puddings on my plate like I normally would. Another test of my fragile willpower...

I ate a fly.

Yesterday, while running, I ate a fly. I ran right into one of those little clouds of tiny flies, and in it went. I've been desperate to include more protein in my diet lately, so I welcomed it and swallowed it down. Well, not really. But there was not much else I could do since it was lodged so far at the back of my throat and I failed to scrape it out with my finger (all of this while running, because I was determined NOT to stop).

So anyway, I managed to do 30 minutes of non-stop "running". Hooray! I feel grateful to my body for being able to do that, since I've done no running at all in the last four months. Good ol' body. I've been such an arse to you.

I'm meeting my mum and brother in an hour or so at a coffee shop, but I have already pre-calculated the Pro Points values of some of the things I could possibly be having there. A skimmed milk flat white is 2 points. A raspberry ripple cake is 13 points, as is a blueberry muffin. If I had either of the latter, it would be halved with my brother anyway, which is what we usually do - so only 6.5 points, really.

I tried to get my Mum in on this whole Pro Points thing, because she has quite a bit to lose and has had some success in the past with Slimming World, which has a similar points system. So I thought she'd be up for it - but apparently not. Didn't seem the slightest bit interested. I guess she's going to try and do it her own way, but I just thought this would be a good way to start. Hmm. Maybe once I start losing a bit she'll be more interested.

This morning I was dismayed to see that I was back up to my Fattest Weight Ever of 205.6lbs. I did go over my 29 points allowance by 12, but I told myself not to worry, because that would just come out of my 49 extra weekly points. And I know I've been doing loads of exercise in the last few days, so maybe that's got something to do with it, too? Anyway, I ended up going to the loo a little later on (apologies), and then I was down to 204.6lbs. Excellent. That's what I'm talkin' about.

I know I'm being really silly. Poo doesn't count. And I need to stop weighing myself every day because the panics just aren't worth it. I *know* that I can't gain several pounds of fat over a 24 hour period, but every time I step on the scales and there's a big gain from the day before, I feel like everything's falling apart and I just can't do this any more. But then again, when you get those sweet 3lb losses, aw yeah. It makes it all worthwhile.

Just kidding. It doesn't. So I'm thinking I'll wait until my proper weigh-in, which is on Monday, and hope for the best. A loss of 2 pounds is all I want. I've been psyching myself up about wanting to see 203.6 on the scales next Monday. Of course, the number doesn't really excite me because it's not even in 'onederland' (ie. my weight doesn't yet start with a 1), but I just have to remember that if I can just manage to lose 2lbs a week, it'll add up eventually. I'm going to just have to chip away at this, one week at a time.

One day at a time...

Written last night:

It's the end of my first day, and it has gone very well! I managed to force myself to do an hour long kettlebell workout for my arms, and I think they will totally beefy by tomorrow. Well, maybe not, but I've only been using the kettlebell regularly for the last three weeks, and already I can see and feel changes in my arms. Unfortunately, the amount of fat seems the same, but there's definitely something under all that fat. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, because it probably means my arms are getting even bigger because I'm gaining muscle - but hopefully at some point, I'll try and grab the usual handful of flab under my arms and it won't be there!

I couldn't have the usual protein shake after my workout because we've run out, so I decided to make a slice of low-calorie brown toast and dumped 100g of low fat cottage cheese onto it. (I thought that would be a decent amount of protein). I was determined to get my 100g onto that tiny square of toast, which was silly really because as I tried to eat it, the stuff was spilling all over my hands and in the end, I just had to stand there with the toast up to my mouth pouring the cottage cheese off the toast and into my mouth. Quite a sight! Also, it's pretty gross, that low fat cottage cheese. It's almost completely liquid, apart from small vomity chunks of cheese. But it's got lots of protein and hardly any fat, so I'm going to continue to keep pouring it into my face for now.

What I'm wondering is whether or not I should weigh myself tomorrow. Y'know, just to see how things are going. I'd love to be able to wait until next Monday and to avoid any potential mind-fuckery that comes with knowing what you weigh every single day, but I'm just not sure I can. Especially since today was such a good day...

Written the following morning:

I weighed myself, and I'm down 1.4lbs. I couldn't resist it. The important thing now is to remember that my weight may very well fluctuate during the week, and to remember that even if that's all I lost for the whole week, that would be perfect and I should be very happy with that. (Even though I'm secretly hoping for a good loss, since it's my first week and all, but shhh). I suppose it would have been nice to wait until next Monday, not having weighed myself at all during the week. If you have absolutely no idea how well you're doing, you'd probably want to keep doing things as perfectly as possible and not allow yourself any treats for fear of messing up the weekly weigh-in. The temptation is, when you weigh yourself every day, to think you can get away with naughty behaviour if you've had a good loss from the day before. That's the trap I normally fall into. But not this time!

So, I've managed to complete ONE day. I woke up this morning thinking, okay, where's my reward for  being so amazingly good yesterday? And then I felt deflated when I thought, there IS no reward. Certainly not today, young lady. You just have to keep doing this indefinitely. I mean, there is a reward in that hopefully, in the nearish future, I'll be out of the 200s and maybe some of my clothes will start to fit me again (even my fat clothes have been awfully uncomfortable lately). But as far as food goes, no treats, no nothing...

But I noticed that I only had 19 Pro Points yesterday, when my allowance is 29. Maybe that's why I'm so ravenous right now. I didn't deprive myself of points intentionally - we just don't have that much food in the house on account of being poor students (my hub and I are both mature students at university), and we don't have a car any more so we have to walk to buy food and well, we're not very organised when it comes to buying food. I think I need to figure out some snacky things to help use up those extra points. It'd be nice to have some raisins about, but when you're dieting, they're just about the most delicious thing and I usually end up eating the whole bag in one day...

I'm thinking about going for my first run since April tonight, after the sun goes down. That sounds quite dramatic. I just can't handle running in broad daylight because I am a sight to behold. And not in a good way. Better to go in almost darkness. Back in April, I was running 10k non-stop (well, I only did that a couple of times, but it still counts!) - but then I got frustrated with the whole running thing because in the six months I'd been running, I hadn't lost a single pound. Quite impressive, I think you'll agree. I must have just been eating so atrociously that running three times a week for six months made no difference whatsoever. I did get quite beefy legs, though - so it'll be interesting to see if the beef is still there tonight, because I'm going to attempt to run 5k with no stopping. I truly hope I still can.

The reason for this all this running talk is, I booked myself in for the local half-marathon earlier this year. It's at the end of November. I know there's pretty much NO way I'll be able to do it. It would take a miracle to be fit enough for that by then - but, I just want to see how tonight goes. I'll keep you posted...

Initial Weigh-In: Yet another diet blog!

In the past, I've made lots of these little diet blogs (about four in the last month, actually), and I've sat here for ages trying to think of a witty and amusing title. I didn't bother trying to do that this time, I just typed in the first thing the popped into my head. So, here we are with my latest attempt at starting a diet blog. 29 and Fat. Because I just turned 29 last week, and whaddya know, I'm fat. And the title just sort of defines who I am right now, as sad as that is to admit. This is not where I wanted to be at 29, but I'm determined to do something about my weight before it ruins my thirties just like it did my twenties.

Anyway, I've deleted all of those non-starter diet blogs including the blog which DEFINITELY was going to be a no-go for someone attempting to lose a lot of weight - it was called 'A Quest For Deliciousness' and I set it up about two weeks ago. It was going to be a food/restaurant review blog. *shakes head* I don't know what I was thinking.

I was kind of excited to weigh myself when I woke up this morning, even though I had pigged out to the max yesterday. Pigging out before the Day 1 of any diet that I start is always a nice excuse to just eat everything in sight, which is what I did. I went completely overboard. It's gross. I'm ashamed to write it in here, but I will anyway. Here goes:

• Slice of red velvet cheesecake
• Toasted cheese steak sandwich with fries
• Pepsi
• Cod and chips
• Sausage roll
• Bag of doritos
• Pack of fruit pastilles
• Slice of red velvet cheesecake

I think I outdid myself, there. The cheesecake was bought for my birthday, and it's quite large and has many slices. And there's only me and my husband here, so I guess I thought I'd try and help get rid of it by having two slices yesterday? Having said that, there are still about four slices left, but my husband will have to deal with that. I'm not touching it - but it's not because I'm feeling determined and strong-willed, I just don't fancy it because I've been eating it too much, that's all...

Anyway, I was excited when I woke up because I knew that today will be the most I will ever weigh. If I stick to the plan, and make this diet the one that actually changes everything, then never again will I weigh 205.6lbs and have a body fat percentage of 44.2%. It's all downhill from here (but in a good way).

I'm attempting to follow the Weight Watchers Pro Points plan. I'm not going to any meetings - but I know my allowance (29 Pro Points per day, plus the extra 49 for the week), and I have a handy app on my phone which will calculate the points value in any food when I enter the protein, carb and fat amounts - so I'm all good to go. I'm going to try and do 30-60 minutes on the cross-trainer downstairs in a few minutes, and then I'm doing a kettlebell workout tonight. Now I just need to actually get changed and, y'know, DO it.